desperate is a good word, yes

There are some days when you try to pretend that everything is okay, and it's actually believable. And there are other days when everyone can see into your soul. And it's sad. Heavy. Lost. Blurry. All you want is hope to swell. Again. Please, again. This day I'm glad my pride didn't have a tighter hold.

I needed some air and space, so I walked to the park, and around the path, where the rebellious girl was escorted to the car by a police officer and her mother. And then I began to cry. It began as tears for Alexa, but then I needed to cry for the waywardness and rebellion of my own heart. Sometimes a small step away from Father can instantly turn into miles.

Of all the times I'd been there, I don't think I ever realized the waterfall until then. It was so loud and the spray hit my jeans when I leaned to breathe it in. I chose not to move once I began to lean on the rail, probably because I didn't want anyone nearby to see my wet face. The Spirit was hemming me in, silently, while I was still wondering if He would want to look at me again. I was looking down. And He was looking. He knew my longing heart all along. It's been tied to His forearm since the day I was born, and He wasn't going to let it go now.

Suddenly I was laying on the grass by the waterfall, where the full dam of my searching broke, where I didn't care about my wet face anymore. I wished the waterfall would surge forth, washing me away, washing me clean. Find me in the waterfall, daughter. Everything I create, in its purest form, I am found in. My pride was gone. And He was speaking to me!

So David came to Baal-perazim and defeated the Philistines there, and he said " The Lord has broken through my enemies before me like the breakthrough of waters." That's why David named the place Baal-perazim: The Master of the Breakthrough.

All I know is I feel asleep right then, wet face and all, and 30 minutes later I woke up new. Clean. Peaceful. Clear and silent. Loved. Beloved.